Dennis Darling: Dawson's Blog

Dawson says: " I lost interest in Lost And Found, became very unsentimental about Sentimental Journey, and decided that Internet fame and fortune as the world's first and foremost name in joint custody blogging household pets had become more of a burden than a blessing.  So I retired, effective about six months ago. I plan to continue to pursue more traditional canine interests, such as chasing squirrels, barking at intruders, scratching, sleeping in the noonday sun, etc."

 

 

      Ever the fashion maven and bold entrepreneur, Dawson The Famous Blog Dog is now marketing his own line of eyewear-for-dogs, or "Doggles", that serve a practical as well as recreational and decorative  purpose, according to a recent press release.

      "It's no secret that our keen sense of smell has come at the expense of a certain degree of visual acuity," he says. "With my little helpers, which strap on easily and stay on through all kinds of adventures, we can have a better balance of sight and smell, allowing for an overall enhancement of our sensory pleasures. Plus, they come in all colors to match our coats AND they make us look so much MORE intelligent!"

        Looking not unlike the Snoopy character's portrayal of a "famous WWII flying ace" in the old "Peanuts" cartoon strip (minus the helmet and red scarf), Dawson models his invention in photo advertising in magazines and online at Doggles.com   

         Veterinary experts at  V.O.I.C.E. (Veterinarians Opposing Idiotic Canine Entrepreneurialism) maintain that canine eyesight is not subject to correction in the same way as human eyesight and that Dawson is simply pushing the limits of what the marketplace will bear in terms of shameless self-promotion, as usual.

 

 

                                            by Dawson The Famous Blog Dog 

 

       The recent mysterious and tragic disappearance of my playpal, fellow domestic companion, and good buddy Joe DiMaggio, feline extraordinaire, has been attributed to alien abduction after an extensive investigation.  Of course, the aliens probably didn't do any investigation beforehand. What I mean is that an extensive (intensive? excessive? expressive?) investigation was conducted into his vanishment on an otherwise routine winter evening by my dogsitter, Carl Confab, Jr., who found no other explanation possible for his (Joe's) suddenly going missing, leaving him (Confab) to cluelessly conclude that alien abduction must have been the cause, in effect. Of course, it was not a routine winter evening after all to those of us who have been left behind to ponder and wonder and blunder on in our grief and, yes, our sorrow over the loss of our curious friend. I mean he was curious, not in the sense of weird or strange or anything, but just a curious creature in the investigative sense, which may help to explain how those wretched space robbers were able to lure him unsuspecting into their catnapping trap, perhaps. We don't know. We can only surmise.

 And then we emerge, after all, like Confab, clueless.

 

                                 by Dawson The Famous Blog Dog

 

     So......one day this Divine Entity, i.e., God, wakes up .....(wait a minute: how can He wake up if He never sleeps? Or does He? We know by His own account that He only takes a rest once every seven days....or so....but does that include a catnap? Or is it a good eight hours of z's?  Or is it just sitting back but still fully aware, sort of like meditating, or something? Who knows? I certainly don't.)

     Anyway......one day God (the Creator of the Universe and All Creatures, including Dogs and Humans) wakes up (in some fashion), looks around, notices the endless wars, the starving children, the broken hearts, the gaudy parade of pretense and piracy and perjury and perversion and says to Himself: "Wow! These humans are really confused. Maybe I'd better put on some skin and do a drop-in visit. Offer some moral guidance and some practical how-to tips on living the human life."

     And then......Christmas happens, as it were, in an instant, and once a year thereafter to the end of time,  as He wills it, according to His plan, not without some advance announcements (largely ignored) and, from the beginning, seeming to be steeped in irony and paradox and all kinds of mystery and myth on the earthly plane that doesn't exactly capture the skeptical and/or rational mind. God gets born in a body, grows up, goes around trying to tell people that He's God, in the flesh, and fails miserably at convincing them of His story.   Apparently,  Immanuel, "God With Us",  is so obvious that only the naive, the unschooled, the destitute and/or desperate among the humans seem to be able to even begin to grasp the reality of it. The intelligent people all agree that the whole story is quite dubious, if not offensive to their sensibilities,  and many of them are, of course, jealous that someone so humble should be blessed with apparently supernatural powers of healing, not to mention the gift of teaching by parable and performing little spectacles like walking on water, feeding thousands with a only a few loaves and fish, etc.

     Next thing you know, Jesus (the Incarnation) has ticked off just about everybody with any social or political influence that crosses ( o.k., bad pun) His path and left those few who faithfully follow Him confused and afraid for their own safety. Sure enough, before He's even had a chance to reach a wider audience, His own people execute Him, or attempt to execute Him, and, sure enough, since He is God, they can only kill the body, not the Spirit.  "God With Us" just won't go away, popping up in all kinds of situations, even in the darkness of the darkest jungle or the vortex of the most terrible storm,  even when it's not even Christmas or Easter.

       And then, in hindsight, the whole thing begins to make some sense, even to the smart people and some of the people who were jealous of His purity and beauty and righteousness and truth..........and,  perhaps too late, they find themselves wanting to make it all up to Him by glorifying and songifying and magnifying and prayerifying His name, or something.

      But then again, can it ever be "too late" to praise the One who is in our every breath?

       Or that's what it looks like to a dog, anyway.

       Merry Christmas, all, and a Blessed New Year!

 

 

Well...listen to this!

In the opening volley of what promises to be another protracted and possibly pointless battle over issues of piracy, privacy, royalty rights, the rights of royalty, copyright infringement, celebrity breakups, and a bunch of other stuff, ASCAP (American Society of Composers And Performers, a.k.a. Lawyers Helping Lawyers, a.k.a. the Music Mafia) has filed suit against Dawson The Famous Joint Custody Blog Dog alleging "unauthorized use of protected material" in regard to his recent appearance in a YouTube video singing, or lip-synching, a cute little self-promoting jingle based on the theme song from the 1970's TV show "Mr. Ed."

The video in question features Dawson, who has been vocal in his lack of esteem for ASCAP and other would-be controllers of the free market airwaves,  wearing only a blue flea collar and singing, to the unforgettable tune of the original 'Mr. Ed" intro: 

    A dog is a dog, we all agree,

    and there are no Internet dogs, you see,

    unless (whoopee!) the blogging dog

    is the famous Mr. D. (That's me!!)

                                                       

                                                           

Mr. Ed (no relation to the horse) Trainor, a spokesperson for P.L.E.A.S. E. (People Lending Ethical Assistance in Support of Ed), released a statement stating (in part): " This isn't just about the legal rights of a dead talking horse, of course.  Consider the source. Of course, we've come to expect this kind of highfalutin' lowbrow thievery from Dawson The Insatiable Seeker After Fame And Glory, but there are limits, or there ought to be limits, perhaps, on what's generally allowed to be publicly aired to the general public, even within or outside of his overextended boundaries of unlimited bad taste.......or something."

Dawson, in response to repeated interview requests, issued a blog posting that said only:

'I'm Dawson The Famous Joint Custody Blog Dog, and I fully approve of this video clip and all other such things that poke holes in our inflated sense of self-importance......especially if they get me more media attention."

 

                           

      Dawson The Famous Blog Dog  came perilously near to being Dawson The Deceased Blog Dog on Monday afternoon when he made an especially ill-advised (some would say suicidal) dash into the path of an oncoming SUV on S. 15th St. in Spfld., IL, ostensibly to greet a chance human passerby who remained completely unaware of Dawson's dangerous and potentially fatal escapade while the driver of the van having braked just in time to avoid running over the careless beast exited her vehicle and apologized profusely to Carl Confab, Jr., stepson of the dog's owner, Mrs. Carl Confab, who could not be reached for comment or otherwise entangled or enmeshed in such a mess even if it was her dog and not his whose leg and tail were visibly damaged when the edge of the front tire of the SUV rolled over them causing Dawson to wail and flail in a most pitiful manner and calling into question Confab Jr.'s dogsitting capability especially in light of his recent distraction by and involvement with the adoption and settling in of a rather rambunctious white kitten named Joe DiMaggio as in "Where Have You Gone,".....etc.

"It was just a flesh wound," was Dawson's only blog posting regarding the incident.

 

 

                                     by Dawson The Famous Blog Dog

 

     I was fully engaged in my ususal and customary twelve-to-eighteen hours of continuous dognapping the other day when I was suddenly and ruthlessly (who's Ruth?) shaken awake by an agglomeration of socalled musical sound that I can only describe as E.N.O.U.G.H. (Electronic Noise Of Unbearably Godawful Harshness)!  This fountain of sonic sludge was spewing forth from the general direction of the FM radio that my dogsitter frequently leaves turned on for lengthy periods of time, sometimes even when he is not at home, on the obviously flawed theory that it might deter would-be burglars from breaking into this house and doing what burglars do best. Hah! If there had been break-in artists within earshot on the evening in question, I would have invited them in and begged them to steal and/or smash that radio, anything to put a stop to that obnoxious, overbearing, automated, demon-generated ear torture.

      Who could possibly enjoy such racket? This kind of synthesized audio trash should be forbidden by law! Isn't there ENOUGH industrial-strength sound pollution floating around in our environment without deliberately adding to it?

     Of course, I'm no connossieur of manmade music anyway (especially vocal: see my 2009 Christmas blog for details of that particular "pet" peeve), but to allow public airing of such deranged digital drivel seems like some kind of de-evolution (New Age?.......maybe more like New Stone Deaf Age!), and to present it as an avante-garde artsyfartsy creme-de-la-culture experience seems somewhat dishonest if  not downright creepy.  Hey, it's just some folks who don't get out to walk the dog nearly often ENOUGH sitting in a studio fiddling around with their computers.....that's all.  So turn it off, already, and let me get back to my nap!   Thanks.

 

 

In yet another simple but seemingly inexplicable twist of his pseudo-journalistic fate, Dawson The Famous Blog Dog has recently filed an official complaint with NABA (National Association of Blogging Animals) alleging that "person or persons unknown have been impersonating my (his) persona or personae by publishing on the world wide web articles of interest regarding my (his)  personal life as a a blogging dog and furthermore pretending and/or presuming to put words (instead of biscuits) in my (his) mouth."

The complaint goes on to,  well,... complain that "certain humanlike parties, i.e., Carl Confab, Jr., et al., " may be "partly and/or wholly to blame for the perpetration of this indignation and denigration of my (his) good name." Confab, Jr. is the dog's handler and son of the dog's owner.  Dawson asks that NABA not accept any communications from him, or pertaining to him, that do not bear "my  (his)  O.O.P.S. (Official Oversized Pawprint Signature) from this date forward."  Unfortunately, it is known that bootleg, i.e., cheap Chinese knockoffs, of Dawson's O.O.P.S. and other Blog Dog -inspired  paraphernalia have been circulating freely on the streets of several major cities for months.

Mrs. Carl Confab, Dawson's owner,  commented recently that the whole situation is "a doggone shame."

 

 

 

      In a partnership destined to rock the halls of country music fame and fortune, Lost And Found Founder Dennis (not-his-real-name) Darling and Internet thorn-in-the-flesh Dawson The Famous Blog Dog have combined forces to enter the Ten-Minute Seriously Selfpitying Songwriting Challenge sponsored by S.T.A.B. (Salty Tears And Beer) magazine.

     The pair submitted their entry, "Used To Be A Crooner",  a woeful waltzy thing that is vaguely reminiscent of "You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me, Lucille",( the Kenny Rogers classic that set the bar for serious selfpity some years back), last Friday, online, of course.

     S.T.A.B.  will not release the recording until the contest judging has been completed, but sources close to the www.myonlymessage.com website, where Darling and The Dog have previously feuded publicly over access and ownership issues, have provided a transcript of both the human and dog choruses, reading, in part, thusly:

                                Used To Be A Crooner   

                            by dD and Dawson The Famous Blog Dog

      Dennis:   I used to be a crooner,  but these days I would sooner

                    sit in silence than to sing that old stuff.

                    From New York to Reno, I played every scene, oh,

                     but one day enough was enough.

                     I sang about true love, the red-white-and-blue love,

                     and love that could end with a slap.

                     I used to be crooner, but these days I would sooner

                     sit in silence than to sing that old crap!

     Dawson: I used to be a howler, a lowdown mean growler,

                    who could pack a honkeytonk with no sweat.

                     From Nashville to Asheville, I never was bashful;

                     I've done things I'd like to forget.

                     I sang about new love, the real tried-and-true love,

                     and puppy love that eats up your heart.

                     I used to be a howler, a lowdown mean growler,

                      but now, ....I'm just another old fart!                   

The two choruses, we are told, are sung separately, and then together, with (God help us) a yodeling coda involving both man and beast as the grand finale of this groundbreaking earthshaking nervewracking record-shattering blockbuster hit.

 

 

 

        Lost And Found founder dD (aka Dennis not-his-real-name Darling) reports being "quite impressed" with the pacifying effect of a new prescription drug named Dogdaze, recently patented by Dawson The Famous Blog Dog. Although originally intended to help relieve the wellknown itching,shedding, stink, and lethargy among canines during the hot days of July and August, it has gained popularity as a tranquilizer/relaxant among the relatively  few two-legged creatures who have tried it, Darling being among the most vocal.

       "It's like......I don't know.......you can sit and look out the window for a really long time.....even when it's hot and humid in the house.....and nothing seems terribly unusual or disturbing or troublesome....no matter how unusual or disturbing or troublesome it might seem if it didn't seem so....I don't know......unimportant, I guess. ....would be one way of describing it," Darling reported.  "It's like magic, almost. I've been taking it every day all summer and I feel great........so far."

         Calls to the American Psychotropic Educational Society (APES) for comment have not been returned.

 

 

Stock indices worldwide teetered on the brink of record-breaking gains or cataclysmic collapse (depending upon which expert analyst happened to be speaking at any given moment) when Dawson The Famous Blog Dog announced today that he was considering beginning publication of a weekly online newsletter offering investment advice to household pets.

According to Dawson, the publication, in spite of its Biblically-inspired title ("What Shall It Profit Thee?"), will offer realworld practical information and recommendations to dogs, cats, snakes, lizards, gerbils, or any other housepets that may be contemplating venturing into the sometimes junglelike environment of stock market investment.

"Hey.....any birdbrain can throw money down at the track, but the cautious cage-dweller looking for a good return on his or her seed money might need some seasoned help in deciding which horse has the look of a good photo finish and which one might be running on horseradish...or something worse," Dawson said in his announcement. "The time is right and the markets are ripe for this kind of thing," he continued. "Just because we're animals doesn't mean we don't think about retirement income.  Plus, according to most reliable sources, we have neither souls nor shirts to lose, so why shouldn't we get in the game while the game is hot?"   

Officials at the NYSE declined comment.

 

 

Goethe said one should dance a few steps every day, but this might not be what he had in mind. Nevertheless, Dawson The Famous Blog Dog has gone public with a dance he's calling the Fourfooted Footscratch Fandango, which, for all intents and purposes, looks frighteningly similar to what a dog does instinctively after making Dog Doo or Number Two or whatever other euphemism might be chosen to describe the event.

According to Dawson's publicist, the Fourfooted Footscratch Fandango "fills the void left by the decline of Saturday Night Fever-type straightup disco dancing" and is a dance that "even middle-aged white people might be able to master without special equipment and/or expensive lessons".  An instructional video, featuring Dawson himself giving demonstrations of both the fourfooted and the more human-friendly twofooted footscratch in a lovely outdoor setting, is in the works, according to the announcement.

 

 

In a development certain to cement the reputation of the State of Illinois as honorary Village Idiot in the world of electoral politics, Dawson The Famous Blog Dog has indicated an interest in entering the race for the office of Lieutenant Governor, a contest which is already overstocked with 200+ potential candidates, just on the Democratic side, ranging from relatively wellknown party insiders to less-than-seasoned and even totally unheard-of wannabes, some of whom haven't ever bothered to vote in an election, much less served in any public office, or in any private capacity that would qualify them to run for public office, ever.

"I don't see where being a dog should have any negative impact on my possible run," the blogging hound states in a posting at www.myonlymessage.com. 'The office has never had any identifiable function other than to provide a nominal replacement for the sitting governor should he become unable to sit, or whatever,....and I do know how to sit....so why shouldn't I give it a shot?"

The previous Democratic candidate dropped out of the race (i.e., was, in effect,  kicked off the ticket) after winning the primary when it was discovered that he was a steroid-swallowing, girlfriend-beating freak who had bought his election victory quite blatantly before the party morality police had even had a chance to check into his background.

"I'm as upstanding as any candidate could be," says Dawson. "I know my turf and I know my talents, and I'm not afraid to make a little noise when something's not right. I think I'd make a great public servant."

Democratic party officials had no comment on the proposed canine candidacy.

 

 

 

Dawson The Famous Blog Dog-Of-All-Trades, in a recent rambling and rambunctious (and possibly tongue-in-jowl) Internet rant, has posited the essential oneness of the known and unknown dimensions of our universe, putting an end, he claims, to centuries of philosophical and religious speculation on this issue.

"What we see can only be seen as a reflection, perhaps a rather dim reflection, of all that we cannot see, seeing as how we would not see at all were it not for the power of the unseen to infuse and illuminate the world we inhabit. In other words: the visible is made visible by the invisible, and vice versa, meaning that they are, ultimately, indivisible," he says, in part, adding, "And for this we rejoice."

Calls made to the Vatican for comment on this notorious stray dog's bold assertions were not returned.

Carl Confab, Jr., Dawson's handler and daycare provider, contacted for verification of authorship of the posting, said "Well, ain't he just full of surprises? Makes you wonder what he's gonna say next, don't it?Maybe he'll write up a little thing about the Divine existing in the everyday extraordinary ordinary, or something......y'know what I mean?"

 

 

     Some creatures may yearn for the finer things in life, but Dawson The Famous Blog Dog maintains that, despite his controversial Internet presence and some haphazardly self-documented jounalistic pretensions, he is perfectly content to chew on a piece of rawhide and/or hang out on the couch most days. He dismisses accusations by some animal advocacy groups that he has sought to distance himself from his four-legged friends by actively cultivating a public image more usually associated with guys who smoke pipes and have leather patches on the elbows of their suit jackets than with beasts who avidly sniff the butts of other beasts.

"It's ridiculous to suggest that I would ever want to be human," he says in a recent website posting. "I mean, ....look at all the wonderful things I'd have to give up: chasing squirrels, eating garbage off the street, pooping under the stars,...and so on. Humans are fine for company, but I would NEVER want to be caught up in their complex, complicated, and contradictory behavior patterns. I'm strictly a canine, canine, not a bird or a cow or frog. And though I may stray from the mainline, I ENJOY being a dog!"

 

 

To begin with, Christmas music hurts my ears. Actually, most music hurts my ears, especially when it's turned up too loud or has an excess of high treble and/or low bass in it. The bass reminds me of thunder, which I don't like at all, and the treble gives me physical pain, since my ears are much more sensitive than your average human. Christmas music brings it's own specific annoyance: all those amped-up sopranos adding layers and layers of brutal, overwrought, frenetically screeching harmonies, like the fingernails of giants on otherworldly blackboards, multiplied times one hundred or one thousand hundred million trillion! Choirs of angels, my doggie butt: these are crazy and terrified children shouting down the boogeyman. Just kidding, of course. Nevertheless, there are a few lines that stick in my admittedly underdeveloped canine brain each Christmas season, catching me by surprise and somehow seeming to speak through the plentitude of forced jubilation that inevitably accompanies the simple joy of Christmas. My top three this year, in order of increasing amazement, are as follows: 3. ...."to save ornery people like you and like I" from "I Wonder As I Wander". This one has been on my list for several years. I think it could be reworded to include "ornery puppies who still like to blog." 2. ..."pleased as man with men to dwell..." from "Hark, The Herald Angels Sing." Has anybody checked the facts on this? I don't think Jesus was totally pleased with His predicament. Especially when things started to get out of hand and the mob went from adoring to despising with so little provocation. He might have been more pleased dwelling with mongrels than with men! Just kidding! 1."My soul magnifies the Lord..." spoken by Mary in the Gospel of Luke. Of course, living life as a beast, I cannot claim to have a soul.....but, if I did,........I mean,.... do you suppose..is that what a soul might be for? Merry Christmas 2009

 

 

In an absolute paroxysm of rancor and denial, Dawson The Famous Blog Dog, whose well-documented history as a Pound Rescue pup includes clear notation that in 2006 he was briefly fostered by a couple who named him "Muflog", has issued a strongly-worded statement contesting what would appear to be incontrovertible fact. "I am now, always have been, and always will be Dawson The Famous Blog Dog, the first and foremost among blogging beasts, and I am not, have never been, and never will be known by any other name, real or imagined. The pathological liars who have attempted to denigrate and/or decimate my good name and hard-earned fame by claiming that I was previously known as Muflog or Muffy or Mudflap or whatever-they-can-allege-next are not deserving of even the slight and sickeningly sensationalistic attention they have grabbed. May their evil efforts be rewarded with a degree of misfortune proportionate to their dishonesty." Calls to Pound Rescue for further clarification of the issue were not returned.

 

 

In an advertising coup that will likely lead to some growling among patent-infringement enforcers, Lassie, the famous rescue dog, has endorsed a bungee-augmented dog leash invented by Carl Confab, Jr., the handler/trainer/sitter of Dawson The Famous Blog Dog. Trademarked "LooseLeash", the tether consists of a normal dog leash with a collar hook at one end and a stretchable loop at the other end that is held by the person who is, as the song goes, "walkin' the dog." Confab, contacted by cable television's "Great Ideas" producers, said "It's worked out real good. He don't pull my arm out of the socket anymore when he makes them sudden stops to do, you know, what dogs do when you're out there with 'em." Lassie Productions released a statement endorsing Confab's contraption saying, in part, that they "welcome with enthusiasm this thoughtful and timely addition to effective yet compassionate restraint options available for the leashed among us." Calls to the Bungee Corp. for comment were not returned.

In an apparent effort to throw legalistic pursuers off the scent of his literary misdeeds, and to cement his reputation as a real maverick-among-mutts, Dawson The Famous Blog Dog has plans to produce a hardcover autobiography entitled "So.....Where's The Treats? Living Like A Dog And Lapping It Up!" At seven hundred and fifty-six pages, the book certainly will provide a wealth of detail (some of it seemingly irrelevant) about Dawson's early life as a "normal" dog, one of a litter of six (three male, three female) born to a Chou bitch in Cherokee Falls, Pennsylvania, his struggles as a young artist ( "All I could do was bark and growl!" ), years of incarceration in various county dog pounds ( " The worst part was always the food!" ), and the mistreatment he received at the hands of various foster families before being adopted by Mrs. Carl Confab, his current owner, in 2007. Of the several abusive situations he encountered in the course of his long and roundabout journey to media stardom and Internet fame, he says: "The more they abused me, the more I ran away. And the more I ran away, the more they abused me. It's a phenomenon known only too well by the lost creatures of this world!" Publication is expected in early Spring. Or as soon as a publisher can be found. Or as soon as the ink is dry on page 756.

 

 

In a decidedly weird variation on an already bizarre situation, Dawson The Famous Blog Dog, whose legal battles over Internet free-speech-for-all-species rights have made headlines around the world, has recently come under attack by some members of his own species. A lawsuit filed on Tuesday in the United States federal court in Winnemucca, NV on behalf of NADA (National Average Dog Association) seeks to have Dawson's sharing of the myonlymessage.com website prohibited and all postings he has made to the Internet from that or any other site to be "removed, deleted, destroyed, and/or exterminated" immediately. According to the suit, Dawson, "by his impudence, imprudence, shameless self-aggrandizement, questionable taste, and dog-matic insistence on the promotion of behavior that is quasi-human as well as thought patterns that fall well outside the pale of a normal canine mentality" has given average dogs everywhere "a black eye." His actions, according to the allegations made in the lawsuit, have caused many "previously blissful" dog owners to become "disproportionately suspicious" of their beloved companions. Dawson has declined to comment on the latest litigation, except for a low groan of frustration and, perhaps, despair. A ruling is expected sometime.

 

 

In a rare but timely instance of Internet self-censorship, the organization known as WOOF! (Writers Overseeing Our Friends) has made a public apology for a posting made by one of their members, a song lyric that, according to a spokesperson, "...may have seemed objectionable to some sensitive individuals." At issue is the song "My B-tch Is Gone", posted on the myonlymessage.com website by Dawson The Famous Blog Dog, who claims authorship of several recent semi-literate literary tours de force and coupes de graces, too. The unidentified spokesperson, speaking on behalf of at least half of the members of WOOF!, stated that, at least, about half of the furor that has resulted as a result of the attack on good taste distastefully demonstrated by the Blog Dog's tasteless and antiromantic drivel has taken place in very restrained and tasteful tones in "...clean and well-lighted chat rooms with the highest standards of interactive communication.....and that's a good thing!" It has recently been reported in some circles that Dawson has been polluting the cyberspace airwaves with songs and/or song parodies under several pseudonymns. Among those rumored to have been inked by this latter-day prince of dark pawprints are: "Please Unleash Me" by Dinglebird Hyperthump "Not Your Puppy Dog" by the Houndees "Yo, Pooch, Gonna Dump You 'Round By The Pound Where I Found Your Smelly Butt" by Wassamatah Ch'ooh "Miih Singh Mai, Suite E" by NawSahnda Pa The last is described as "a self-produced classical new-age" piece consisting of nearly four hours of sounds that bear a close resemblance to dog barks combined with seemingly random snippets of canine chewing and swallowing noises, long pauses, and some of those scary resonant percussive clicking drumbeats that are frequently heard in movies in which the presence of cannibals is known or suspected. Dawson, asked for comment on his being taken to task by WOOF!, said "Huh? What?"

 

 

In a mystifying mishap of mistaken, misplaced, or intentionally lost identity, a man who gave his name only as dennis (not his real name) Darling was found on Friday evening loitering in the vicinity of a blast furnace at the Lost Pigeon Foundry in Pigeon Forge, TN. Darling is one of the founding members of Lost & Found, a little-known band that has recently been involved in a bitter legal imbroglio over website access rights with a blogging dog known as Dawson The Famous Blog Dog. Foundry foreman Frank Lee Baron reported that the man appeared to be disoriented and could give no coherent account as to how he had made his way into the dangerous and highly restricted area of the furnace. "I've heard of wanting to go up to heaven in a flash of fire," Baron commented, "but that would be one hot ride!" Donna Darling, Darling's wife and also a member of the Lost & Found band, has recently filed a missing persons report with the Springfield IL police department in regard to her husband's unexplained disappearance from their home. She could not be located for comment on the Lost Pigeon affair. When asked if he knew he was wandering in a foundry several hundred miles from his home, the man reputed to be Darling reportedly replied: "No, but if you hum a few bars of it, I might be able to pick it up."

 

 

In a shameless froth of self-promotion, Dawson The World's First And Most Famous Blogging Dog has published yet another of his obnoxious semi-autobiographical country songs on the Internet and offered free downloads to anyone who promises to tell three friends about him. However, the members of the band Lost & Found, legal owners of the website where the dubious ditty has been posted, are returning to court on Tues. to seek to have the objectionable ode deleted, banned, and/or exterminated. A spokesperson for the band said; "I mean, this is exactly the kind of stuff that gives the Internet a bad name. We're trying to run a nice clean family-oriented website where folks can waste hours looking at old pictures of us playing at the Farmer's Market and listening to our sloppy arrangements of wornout pop tunes....and then this nutcase mutt comes along and pretty much messes up the whole thing. I think he shoudl be known as Dawson The Annoyingly Naughty Blog Dog..or something." Apparently, the controversy centers around the use of the b-word in the song's title and lyric. The blogging dog maintains that the word has a legitimate place in veterinary terminology and is in no way intended to be demeaning or obscene. The complete lyric, as reproduced in Reuter-Rooter's Really Raunchy Rhythm & Blues Review (September 2009 issue) is as follows: " My B-tch Is Gone" by Dawson The Blog Dog My b-tch is gone, my b-tch is gone, She left me with a hefty appetite. She lead me on, and now she's gone..... I'm haunted by her howl all through the night. Now kennel ration is my passion, Liver, chicken, lamb, and beef. How it stuffs me (and disgusts me); I'm only feasting on my grief! Note: Reuter-Rooters is not responsible for misprints or bad vibes.

 

 

In an incident that causes even veteran near-disaster watchers to wince when they hear about it, Dawson The Famous Blog Dog, while attending an Artiste On The Plahzah performance in downtown Springfield, knocked the handmade guitar of virtuoso jazz guitarist Sam Crain to the ground while leaping to sniff the butt of another dog. Fortunately, Mr. Crain had just completed his performance and had placed the guitar in its case, so no significant damage was done, other than the awkward ruckus that followed, and somewhat detracted from, the truly sterling performance of many jazz standards by Mr. Crain.
In an interview illegally posted on the myonlymessage.com website that Dawson shares (without permission) with the band Lost & Found, the unrepentant mongrel lay all blame for the melee on the incompetence of his hired sitter, Carl Confab Jr. "If he'd been paying attention to his duties and holding tighter on the leash instead of daydreaming, I wouldn't have been able to leap over that bench at all, and the whole thing could have been avoided," said the belligerently blogging dog. Confab could not be contacted for comment.

In a late-breaking development sure to set Dawson-watchers' tongues wagging, the famous Blog Dog came horrifyingly close to biting the hand of his handler as they were playing with Dawson's stuffed hedgehog at the home of his owner, Mrs. Carl Confab, last Saturday night.
Carl Confab Jr., the handler and sometime playmate of the celebrated and recently legally-embattled pooch, said in an interview with CNN: "I dunno. It looked like he was goin' for the hog and just kinda missed. Almost got me good, but I jerked my hand back at the last second, and.......well, looks like everything came out alright."
Mrs. Confab complained that the media near- nonfrenzy was creating an inconvenient glut of strangers and strange-looking vehicles in the neighborhood. Dawson, atypically, made no remarks regarding the situation.